i'm all smelly like bowling alleys because i went to a bowling alley and bowled. I haven't done this honestly since my sophomore year in highschool. if now my freshman. I'd go with these people from school and they were a bunch of guys who were seniors and bum friends of theirs who had already graduated and stuff, so i'd be one of one or two 14 year old girls hanging out in a bowling alley with these 18 and 20 year olds. yeah. i was one of those girls for a while. and i hated it. and i hated the way bowling alleys smelled. and i hated getting hit on by the smarmy guys.

well this trip was certainly replete with getting hit on by a smarmy guy. i fucking hate that. i totally panic when something like that happens and i don't know how to act gracefully. he came and put himself in my personal space and i'm very protective of my personal space even with people that i'm comfortable with. and i don't know. i wish i was more relaxed. it all just made me feel really inept.

yesterday was such an upanddown sort of day. i'd smile and laugh for no reason and then be bleak.

its that sort of space where i want to cry and i can't because there isn't really anything to cry over, but it would be cathartic and it would be something definate and definable.

john didn't come to the gym with me today because he "just found out that there's a play i want to go to tonight". for some reason this really pissed me off. theater is at 8, for one. but i've cancelled on him before. but i gave him two days notice. i don't know. i had no right being so irritated. but i was. i think this is residual jealousy. so i went and i ran 2 miles and i didn't feel any better afterwards. and i came home and came to dinner and i was still redfaced, because i'm a pink person by nature and when i exert myself i get very redfaced and sometimes i just get flushed anyway and i used to get myself out of school that way all the time because i was just regular but the nurse would be worried. anyway, i was still a bit pink and sat was like "what happened to you?" and this pissed me off too, for some reason. (obviously enough to write about it). "i just ran 2 miles, and you?". and i don't know.

this is all pointless.