i've been getting headaches. for at least a year now i've been getting this same headache pretty regularly, with increasing frequency over the year or two. it will come on in the early afternoon. it is slow and dull and persistant. it never gets sharp, but the pain gets very intense when i step, jostle, breathe. if i take 3 ibuprofen it cools off, but it is only ever a retreat to the back corners of my head. i can feel it lurking. it doesn't usually come back that day. then i wake up the next morning with it full force. and then it calms and then shows up in the mid to late afternoon again. this goes on for days. eventually it stays in retreat. i can still feel it lurking for another day or so. i don't know if the lurking ever actually goes away or if i stop noticing it. eventually after a couple week hiatus the headache comes back.

i should clearly see someone about this. although there's probably not a lot to be done. there are so many possible causes. of course the first one to jump to mind is a brain tumor. we are morbid people. or i am at any rate. i highly doubt i have one. although lately when i wake up mornings with a headache, i my sense of balance is very poor. and some mornings without a headache my balance is poor. more likely it is something dietary. or allergies. my dad has bad allergies that didn't set in until highschool and then got really bad in college.

i'm a hypochondriac with regards to mental illness. i imagine that half of my life is an act that i put on for myself. it seems like this must be the norm. but then, it is utterly bizzare to me that there are people who don't get headaches. that there is a presumably large portion of people who rarely or never get headaches is almost in the realm of impossibility. i hear it but it doesn't seem true because headaches are such a constant ingrained part of life for me. telling me people don't get headaches, an this is the Norm would be akin to telling me that there are women who don't bleed, and not only that, but the ones who do are in the minority.

well. this is a boring entry today. all about headaches and various other shit that i doubt people care about.

i sold out and ordered a cellphone. now i'll be actually reachable. but this really only applies to the few people i know in town, and my parents.

easter was nice. i still like my family. we had a non-traditional (for us = ham) easter dinner, and instead had salmon, which was fine by me, because i like salmon and more importantly i like eating it. so eat it i did. and we had broccoli and hollandaise sauce and waldorf salad and i made tira misu for desert. i did very well, and i sort of flew the recipe by the seat of its pants, taking a vague guideline from a number of different recipes found online, so i am extra proud of myself. i really enjoy baking. if i had more time i would spend it baking. perhaps this summer?

i'm hoping i can take a painting class this summer. this would hopefully sort of work instead of finding a second job to fill up my Other 20 hours a week.

i'm just prattling on. i feel like i haven't talked to anyone for a while. which is silly, because i was just home for the weekend, and i clearly talked a lot while i was, because thats what you do. but i don't know. i guess maybe just that today generated a lot of thought. i was really irritated at john at work and i want to bitch. and i want to see people. i just spent however long basketball games last watching basketball with cyrus and sat. sports are becoming intriguing. i'm looking forward to tennis. i always kind of liked watching tennis. maybe i can get someone to play with me this summer. not that i know how, per se. but i can learn/get better.

still prattling. i hang out with people in my house and i still don't feel like i've hung out with people, because i'm so guarded. i chat, do stuff. i enjoy myself. but here i am, still left stewing over this lump of irritation about john. and some general dissatisfaction. yes, i'm going down that road again.

i should go back and edit half of this out, just for content and length. its all long and unimportant. but that's not happening. i'm going to sleep.