and he's depressed. he's been wallowing in it off and on for a couple of weeks, months? i don't know. he doesn't talk to me. and my reaction is 'jesus, don't think you're the first person who's ever been depressed. dissatisfied. welcome to my fucking life! i've been struggling with it since i was 8 or something.' and this is terribly unfair. i don't know his past (he doesn't talk to me. only about things. never emotions never pasts never history or anything important. nothing revealing or painful. just dry things that come out his head. squeeze out. and of course there's no reason that he should involve himself with me on any level past. but it seems he's forgotten - or doesn't notice or never knew - that there's more to people to than that.) i know extremely little about him. maybe he's had periods of depression this bad frequently before, and done the psychiatrists and the avoidance of pills and the smiling and dragging yourself out by your hair, watching the whole time. feeling vaguely silly. it seemed so important at the time.

but still the reaction. of course he won't tell you anything when this is your reaction. hardly supportive. of course i don't say these things to him. this is not my response. but thinking. there's an accusation in it all. and something of truth. but there's an accusation. it's somehow my fault, i'm not interesting enough. i don't do enough things, so he clearly can't either? it's not my job to leave the house since you've decided that you don't do it enough. what if i'm satisfied. and again, doubt creeps in. what if i'm not? what if he's right.

and bringing up Matt Who Moved Away hurts. it feels like a cheap shot. because Matt's defection didn't feel like a heroic event. it was being shunned. a specific attempt to grab hold of me and tear me bodily from the frame of reference. an artificial makeover plastic surgery and a new wardrobe. and also a threat. i hope you don't run off too.

of course this reaction is unfair and self centered and unfounded and imaginary and sugar coated with ants.

but still, the accusation, and i get defensive and angry and i don't want to be around him. and i find myself thinking 'i'm glad this isn't the Boy.'

(the Boy gets depressed too. and so do i, and he recognizes this and he doesn't accuse.)

i should give you his side of the story too. but i'm not ready for that yet. i'm sorry.