Yet another day at work. like all the other days at work. Sitting here, looking at the computer screen, waiting for 5 o'clock. typical, regular, everyone else's life. so why's it mine? Aren't there enough people already filling this niche?

guess not. still here. This is a job where they pay me to be around in case anything goes wrong. so here I sit with all the time when there's nothing going wrong. I seem to be charmed, so that nothing happens while I'm here. The phone always rings 3 minutes after I get off the help desk. People come in as I leave for class, brushing shoulders past them. moving on.

everything's changing now. and I suppose its about time too. because they've been rancid for a while now. making you hold your breath everytime you open the refrigerator - "is that the milk? the chinese leftovers?" and of course I'm moving on through the change. moving. surviving. keeping afloat, etc.. like you do.

and I've never been without him. Or so it seems. and it's strange and there is mourning and there is anger and fear. At least I'm not sinking to Isaac's level of paranoia and skulking around the house and screaming and breaking things. at least I have the good sense to move out and get away. change my context. start anew. find me again. and any other cliches we can think of. but they apply right now.

I almost cut my hair. my glorious, shiny, ridiculously long hair. my pride, my me. and I'm very glad I didn't. But it was a close one, and I still want to sometimes.

The worst it gets is that sometimes I want to put squishy wet things in his shoes. Like when his coat and shoes are here, and so are hers, and he's not anywhere and neither is she, and her door is closed and the room is dark and I know they're in there. But I don't know what they're doing and it'd none of my business, it's so none of my business that I don't ask after the fact, and its good that I don't, because that would be clinging, that would be overstepping my boundaries.

Or last night when he said he was very tired and then went downstairs (clearly to her room. there's no one else in the entire house that he'd voluntarily talk to right now) and then didn't go to bed until 4:30am, and also woke me up in the process.

basically I'm jealous, and it's out of my realm to be jealous over, but it doesn't matter. I still am. I haven't learned how to get over that. I'm still too much in love with him. I'm still not settled with the whole break-up thing and I won't be for a long time. That's four years of my life to readjust.

It really bothers me that he has her.

A lot.