I got very very upset about the bed thing. And John got upset that I was upset, and the moving all my stuff out and packing the van for my trip home tonight didn't help things much.

To my way of thinking, you don't keep a large really shitty bed when you have a very nice small bed unless you intend to share it with someone. He says this is not his intention. I don't see any reason for him to start lying to me now. And its none of my business. And the next time I'm going to be in the house is to move my stuff to different one.

Anyway, I'm less angry now. But it took a very long time.

John left with Eileen and went to see The Lord of the Rings.

I packed and then called my parents and talked to my mom for about an hour. My dad left partway into this to drive down to Ann Arbor and 'rescue me' and bring me back for the night. My mom drove me back in time for work at 8a this morning. Kind of silly, but a very very nice thing for them to do for me. It helped a lot.

My phone bill this month is going to be horrendous, however. My mom said I should charge her when it comes, and I may. I can't keep myself from feeling guilty over it though, because they give me a lot of money, and I know it isn't easy. They're doing okay, but they're also selling off a lot of stocks and mutual funds etc.. Someday I'll get a real job and then I'll be able to insist on paying them back for some of it.

I'm still very much adjusting just to the Not John sort of thing. I keep coming back and back to it. This is a dumping grounds here, and I think its pretty obvious. There are interesting thoughts and ideas in my head, and I'll get around to sharing them too, at some point. Honest!

So I didn't really see John again until the morning after I told him I didn't want to talk to him and then he left the house. So I talked to him briefly this morning before he showered before work, and I was like "I'm sorry you were upset, but I was angry. I'm still adjusting. The bed bothered me. etc." and it was a relatively nice little talk. In the early-morning-dark kitchen.

I don't like being mad at him. It doesn't feel very good. There is a brief period of some sort of vindictive pleasure. And there is just some need for it in general. But I get to a certain point and I start to feel really icky that I'm angry. And it does start to feel really petty and vindictive and I just don't feel like a very nice person. I can't hold a grudge.