i really just want to get it all out of my head. i want to focus on something else for once. i want to be able to move on. but it's only been a month. that's not long after four years invested. so far i've found that time doesn't dull the pain, it just puts longer spaces in between.

I want to go say nasty hurtful things to him. I didn't believe him when he said that he didn't intend to share the bed. Maybe they aren't sleeping in it together, just fucking in it. This is the same. I don't know.

It really does make it much much harder that he has someone.

In highschool I, during the summer after my sophomore year, while i was at this awful acting camp in New York, I started to keep a journal. I filled three or four notebooks before i quit. I would sit in a class and record my wandering thoughts. One night, over spring break, my parents were away and he was staying with me, and we had built a big bed on the floor, we were sitting up, and somehow it came around to me reading to him out of my journals. After that he started to read new entries after i would write them. He would come over to visit me, and we'd go downstairs to my room, and while I was filling the water glass or something he'd sit and read my journal. He only did this with my permission. I tried to keep writing as if there were no audience, but my entries started to peeter out. I started just talking to him, without the medium of the journal. And of course I couldn't honestly write in it anymore as if there were no audience, because there was, so eventually my journals died.

Here there is some sort of audience, but they are annonymous. I'm not entirely sure of the voyeruistic need to place this out in the open; why not just start writing in notebooks again? Partly I'm still writing as if he is the potential audience. I put things here sort of half hoping that he will come across them. Things i won't say to him. Things i don't want to say to him. I'm also rather afraid that he would find this. But hopefully I can keep it an honest account of my thoughts and feelings. I'm trying not to use it as a tool of revenge or spite or anything.

I obsess over things. Not a lot, just a slight tendency. I'm bad at letting certain things go. One way this manifests, is that I'm a worrier. I worry about things, and I'm terrible at setting future events aside until I meet them. If I have a canker sore in my mouth i will keep poking it to find that it hurts, wait a few minutes and poke it again, and - lo and behold! it still hurts. It helps for me to write thoughts down, or actually say them, then. It removes them from my head some.

Did she cry?

Do you still very much love me when you are fucking her? Or do you stop then?

I want it all to be okay. I want to stop thinking about this. I want it to stop hurting. I want the rest of my life to start now.

god. there is so much angst.