i dont know. hello.

i want to keep saying hi but i dont know what else. at this point.

hello. it makes me too sad to think about it but that doenst mean i can

stop thinking. where "it" equals most things. basically i cant come hang

out with you yet because i cant deal with it. yes. but i would like to

in the future but not yet. i mean. and i dont know how you feel about

this but. anyway this is what. so. i dont know. i hope you are doing

ok.

which pissed me the fuck off. the skirting the break-ups and the "trying it out" and my moving out with "it" is irritating. And the telling Me about how She's 'Too Sad'.. what the fuck do you have to be sad about? or at least, what does she have to be sad about that i don't. or something. i don't want her guilt. I don't want her friendship right now either. This is another thing: what makes her think that I want to have anything to do with her right now? I don't know that I ever will.

This is just bizarre. It's like she's trying to forgive me. I feel vaguely guilt tripped or something. the cause and effect, blame and responsibility aren't clear to me here. I feel vaguely manipulated.

I always pick the wrong people and try desperately to make them love me. and it doesn't work. I'm afraid I'm doing it again in the coop right now.

I want to believe in forgiveness.

i'm trying to believe in a lot of things right now. like my ability to breathe, and the sky. i want to believe in the sky. I want to find the sky. I want to find some reason to live other than not dying.

I was thinking about my life in a grandiose and abstract fashion today. I found that the only thing I have left to define my life with right now is school. This is everything to me. Of course, its not for the school part, its for the learning part. The only thing I have to define me by right now is what I'm interested in, and that interest in itself I suppose. I don't know that this is such a bad thing. I think its probably a pretty good place to start building me.

I decided on my way home this evening to have a crush on my GSI. He's a big geek and he has thick glasses and wavy hair and he wears sweater vests to class and its cute. I'm a little less sure of this conviction right now, so I'm not doing a very good job of describing it. I think there was someone else as well that I decided to have a crush on, but I can't remember right now. I'm sure that next time I see them I'll remember. Maybe it was .. hmm. doesn't ring a bell.

I like deciding to have crushes on people. I like this sort of crush in general, its much better than the actual kind that makes you act stupid. You can feel all fluttery and entertain carnal notions of that person, but its more of a passtime than anything.

Man, i need another dave/david. I haven't had one of those in a while. Surprisingly i don't think there are any Daves in the coop. Surprising only because it is a pretty common name.

names. i'm gonna talk about naming sometime. I promise. but not right now, because i'm very tired and very hungry.