i've interacted with john quite a bit since breakup, what with the still living in the same house for a month and the working at the same (very small = 8 employees) workplace. anyway, there was a pretty bad, eyesdown avoidance curt speech etc period. a throat catching and eyes sting and counting your breaths and going to the bathroom sort of period. but things are relatively good now. we're going to the gym together a couple times a week. this is good because i wouldn't go nearly as much otherwise, but when someone else is counting on you..

i still like his company. he is a fun intelligent person who can follow my train of thought and understands most of my idiosyncrasies and 'character tics'. i do a lot of strange things. i get excited about little wording differences. and lots of other things. and he doesn't look at me like i'm growing snakes out of my forehead, and he doesn't call me 'cute' in a condescending way, or laugh uncomfortably. i appreciate this. i can be a nicer, more impulsive version of me around him.

all well and good. we still have occaisional moments where everything teeters on the brink. i hold my breath and there's a sort of (subsumed) violent or nasty tension between us. and then i exhale and he says something and we move on.

I'm starting to get a little irritated that certain crushes are involved with certain other people. other than me! dammit!

i got my bookses in the mail yesterday and they are: Jimmy Corrigan: Smartest Kid on Earth and the other two (that i didn't already have) weetzie bat books by Francesca Lia Block, Cherokee Bat and the Goat Guys and Baby BeBop. now i need to have a sitting around and reading them party. I haven't read Weetzie Bat since Outwest, which was three years ago now.

i don't want to go to bed yet.