herm. i want to be listening to music right now. but that would sorta definately wake up sara.

today was a laid back not a lot happening sort of day. we had depressed party on friday this week and well. it was a good depressed party and all, and kelly made this kick ass stir fry for us and it, well, kicked ass. and i was so glad to be back in the early afternoon and have it be not sunday. but still, there's something about starting the weekend off with depressed party.

isaac says 'they deserve each other' and isaac says 'they go together' and i disagree with both of these for basically the same reason. we'll start with the first one: I think they are both basically pretty good people. I don't always like to admit this, and this Certainly doesn't mean that I don't spend a good deal of time greatly disliking them. But I do hope that he leads a happy life. That he does things that are satisfying to him and that he lives up to this nebulous potential that I see floating around him. I can look at the life my parents live and aspire to it; I hope that he can find a happier existence than his parents'. I'm thinking that the key to a really successful/good relationship is complementariness. some level of similarity is good, i think you've got to be somewhat alike in order to get along with someone at all - although in what way may not be easily apparent. and you've definately got to be capable of standing on your own (although this also doesn't mean that you don't need other people and they are just a convenience) enough that without the other person you don't unravel (this was an Issue with us) because even if you spend the rest of your lives together, that only means that you spend the rest of one of your lives together, and its a 50/50 chance it'll be their life, not yours. eileen and john bring out the worst in each other. the elitist the hyper-intellectual. they turn good things into bad. they overlap in all the wrong places. I'm biased, sure. but this all seems true. i feel like i'm usually pretty good at this sort of character judgement; usually pretty astute at reading and understanding people.

so i don't think they are good for each other because i don't think they will make each other happy in the long run. and i don't think they deserve each other because i don't want to wish that life on anyone.

if they do end up staying together i hope like hell they never have children. they would do a terrible horrible job of raising children. they would be the most affection starved over intellectualized emotionally constipated little brats. eileen has started talking/thinking about children and this is terrifying to me. it would take a fucking miracle to make her a good mother. i could see john being a really wonderful father, with the right person to draw it out of him. (we would make beautiful babies. and if we could have gotten a few items of shit together we could have made them happy shiney babies.)

sorry. i know, i'm only 20. i'm not going to go having any children particularly soon. but when you're with someone for 4 years, these sorts of things do cross your mind occasionally.

isaac also says 'you can so do better than him,' and when you look at john as an isolate being this is pretty easy to agree with. but i also really mean it when i say that we were good together. we fit nicely. we had most of the complementary things down. so, though there are general flaws in john (aren't there in all of us?) the way we worked in a relationship made those flaws less important, or glaring or something. so in my overall quest for some longterm fulfilling relationship life partner sort of thing, yes: i will Have to do better than john. but its not necessarily going to be easy.

okay. so this might all sound like i'm regretting things, or reminiscing or something. and i'm really not right now. i don't even feel upset now that all these things have gone through me and into words. I'm getting to the point now where I can really say, without hardly any regret that this breakup is one of the best things that has happened to me. If i were to try to make a list right now of the 5 best things in my life, the only 2 i can think of that would definately make the list right now are:

1. being with john for four years
2. breaking up with john.

I really like that i can be comfortably living in such a seemingly paradoxical place right now. I'm pretty glad to be me.

i'm sure this will all change within the week.