listening to 'ziggy stardust' which isn't actually quite the right thing at all, but it was the closest i could figure out.

i'm all conflicted tonight. i really want to go to depressed party tonight, but there are other things that i really want/need to do tonight. but by need i mean the sort of need for my overall sanity situation adjustment sort of need. not like i'm gonna do homework.

there's jeanne's 21st birthday and midnight. and there's nothing right now. and i just went on an aborted attempt to see West Side Story which was sold out and so we ended up in the comedy club. it was really bad. comedians arent' funny. unless they're eddie izzard. i'm sure there are a few others i'd find amusing. but in general its all the same old shit. and it wasn't funny to begin with.

he did, however, do a very convincing bong impression.

okay. so i've decided this: Dan and i need to have the sort of relationship where he brags to his friends about how he can totally screw me and ends up making a bet and then courts me for a couple of months and there has to be a makeover scene at some point where one of his friends takes me under the wing and turns me into a real hottie and then he almost lays me and i find out about the bet and storm out and then he realizes that he's really fallen for me. yup.

i want to get some scriabin, and some schastokovich and carmina burana, and bach's 6 cello suites. and um. that's about all i know about classical music. classical music is intimidating, because there's the composer and then there's the performer. i want something big and crashing and melodramatic. i want good things.

i want someone to trust me. i want someone to need me. i want someone to panic at me and need me. i want to support and i want to be identified as that supportive environment.

new policy: brutal honesty

new rule: people need to have crushes on me and i need to find out about them.

augh. i'm doing it. i'm doing it. i'm getting better. i'm happy right now. if a bit out of sorts.

i have to come up with something for the talent show next weekend. i really just want to do costumes for everybody else.

i still want a camera.