i so don't want to cook dinner tonight.

there's some weird shit going down around the house. i hope it ends soon.

and my phone came and so now i have a phone and this is weird too. i'm vaguely worried that i won't ever ever use it and i'll end up feeling really silly for having it.

and i need to just the hell call people more when its late and night and up and i want to go out and i want people with me. because people claim that this will work.

i played my first game of risk and nearly won. my strategy entirely thanks to eddie izzard. if you don't know what i'm talking about, you should.

i don't know what to do this weekend, because my cousin jesse got a job after graduation in chile, so she's moving to chile indefinately in May, and so there's gonna be a family thing this weekend and i should just go to it, because it'll be the last one in a while, or the last one with her. but then there's all this house stuff happening this weekend and i want to stay around for it. i want to be part of the community guys! but i will probably end up giving to my family once more. or i don't know. i can't decide. i really want to stay here, but i feel guilty not going, and i also rather doubt that i will have a smashing time or get much work done this weekend if i stay.

i hate things like this.

i've been reflective the past couple of days. i think i want to talk to someone.

also john's reading is on friday and its important to me to go, because there is meaning behind that action. but i'm also really dreading it, because eileen will be there and so will he and he will be everything that is irritating and nothing that is beautiful. i'm losing all the beautiful parts. which is good in some ways, but also makes me sad.

i am much more comfortable with myself in the space that i am living now than i have been in a long time.

i'm also helluv craving candy and sweets. and i need to go do some responsible things that i haven't done in a long time and that just the fuck need to happen. and i have to make phone calls and write email and send thankyous and various other sorts of things that i never seem to be able to get done.

i also have to go to class, which, surprise! i don't want to do. but it will be okay. although it would be okayer if it were friday like my body keeps telling me.

i don't want to cook tonight. i want to go to the gym and lift weights and go drive around and maybe even purchase new running shoes because the ones i have give me blisters every single time i run in them. and they are stinky.

instead i will cook. and then i will run off to class. and then i will come home from class and be very relieved that its all done. and then i will agonize more over what to do this weekend.

i should really just call my mom. she'll know just how important this dinner is.

i'll write something interesting one of these days. promise.