its a nice night out, a bit chill, but fine with a sweater and moving. the sky is that forever deep blue of not never reaching true blackness that it does on clear nights here in the city of lights. here i am. wearing the shoes that i took from my mother's closet when i was 14. the black leather uppers worn and wrinkled with age. the shoes that i never buckle, causing them to flop strangely on my feet. the back heel piece half catching my heel in some slight vacuum, sucking off my heel violently as i reach the top of my step. i imagine a noise similar to that a baby makes sucking on a nipple, but less wet and blubbery. and ridiculously amplified. if babies dry and powdered never dribbling and very very large.

it took me a long time to find an appropriate place to be in here. I wandered around like a cat or something. I like the corner spots, where you have lots of room and can sort of spread all your things out around you. i have tower, monitor/keyboard, phone, keys, penguin mints (cinnamon of course), pens, cd case, mouse, water bottle, coursepack, backpack, next tower. i brought cheese and crackers (even though you aren't supposed to have food. shh, don't tell) and an apple.

i am somewhere between "was" and "am" in a very bad mood today. i didn't go home from work for lunch today because i was busy moving somebodies fish around. i was rather irritated. first, where was the mysterious person to whom these fish belonged, and why weren't they helping? second, why were we, the tech guys asked to do it? i mean, i know we weren't particularly busy at that moment, but i'm sure there were a number of other people who weren't doing anything, and they weren't asked to help. why weren't any of the other staff members asked to help? or god forbid, the faculty?

and of course the old filthy (leaking!) jars of dead fish were thouroughly disgusting. and there was heavy lifting of heavy cabinet type furniture. anyway, it was all rather irritating, and thouroughly icky. and then on top of it John got all nasty and self righteous about it. He's ugly when he's angry. and his reaction was just irritating as well. predictable. and just generally a bit upsetting.

okay. so there's that. and the not eating lunch. and the getting one of my headaches. and just being generally pissy.

and i didn't get scholarship. i don't know what it is, I think I'm mostly just not good at selling myself. so this means spending more on the next year of school than all of the three previous combined. and i just hate stressing about money. i mean this is a large portion of why i'm not currently at Macalester, or Oberlin, because with scholarship money they still would have cost something like $15,000 yearly for tuition alone. that and the part where i was too chicken to go off alone. and i didn't want to leave john. but i need to not start regretting those decisions now.

anyway. i have to send off a bunch of money that i don't really have to programs. And do all sorts of with it responsible things, like call people and clarify stuff, and do the applying for a passport thing and getting forms filled out by various different people. and its all rush. and i have to talk to my parents and figure out where the hell all this money is going to come from. (and hope like hell i haven't screwed everything up further by getting less than a B in my russian class).

in short: GAAAHH.

okay. so i needed to bitch a little bit, i guess.

now i'm here in angell to Write this Goddamned Paper already. and then i'm actually done. unfortunately this is going to take forever because my head really isn't working very well right now.

but walking over here helped. the air was lucid and it helped my mental state thin out a bit.

alright. but notes and email and telephone calls or whatever will be welcome tonight. to keep me company and keep me on track. because i tell you, this has done nothing for my productivity. Nor the NYTimes online crosswords. I'm a puzzle freak. I'm currently stuck on level 11, if anyone else can figure it out and wants to give friendly hints. of the maybe four people who read this regularly.. shite. i'm getting an inflated sense of self importance.