i say i'm not much of one for compassion, but it comes and hits me at the most unexpected times. i think in some secret part of me i'm dripping with compassion, but its a very tender part and it doesn't like getting poked and it can't walk around without shoes on and it gets sunburned very easily. i'm a little frightened of compassion. I'm not sure i believe in it.

i'm somewhere between an atheist and an agnostic, but this applies to more than just god. it applies to forgiveness and compassion, goodness, love, belief, trust.

i think maybe i'm "jaded" or "cynical."

and yet on top of all this i love and believe and trust and.

but i still don't believe in god.

and i have nothing spiritual left in me. no wonder. no magic.

i have too much scorn. i am too guarded. i am very much afraid.

there is a part of me that is compassionate and very nice and kind. and generous and open. i haven't been living in that part of me for a very long time.

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i finally wrote eileen back today. i'm glad i gave myself so much time. i did not write the nasty letter. i didn't try to. i didn't try to hurt her. but i know it did. but there was no malice. I was short and to the point. i said the necessary things. i only said things i meant. i didn't preface it with "i'm sorry, but..", because I'm not. When I said "I hope" i meant it. I had to stop and think about and make sure I did, but I do hope.

To the point:

I have no real interest in trying to salvage a friendship of shared misery that was at its best forced. And I'm not willing to be the custodian of your conscience.

This may be selfish. I've never been one for missionary work, selflessness.

I hope you find how to be happy in your life. Or turn your life into one you can be happy in.

Bethany

I think my motives are pure. I think I am satisfied.

I'm gonna go see if Jess wants to go for a walk.