Tatoos: give me a scar without the ink. Controlled scar tissue. Thin white lines spidering over my body...

I apologized to Eileen. This was quite a while ago now, actually. It felt really good, and she was gracious and even nice about it. For all that there is still hurt in me, this was a somehow final step. Or definitive. Towards closure. Resolve.

Last year when she got rejected from grad schools I rejoiced. I jumped up and down giddy. This year I worry. Our academic interests are so very similar, for all that they are different. Or maybe its just that she won in the realm of the relationship, so how can I do better than her score elsewhere?

But it is a reminder to myself to be involved, use the resources available to me right now. Make connections with my professors while I still hav professors to make connections with. If I knew more successful people I'd probably be more confident about my own ability to succeed. Too bad all my friends are such losers.

Perhaps this mentality is a bit backwards, considering that there is a finite number of people who can "succeed", so the fewer people I see succeeding, the higher chance I have of "making it" myself.

But then, I've never really subscribed to the "hang out with someone fatter than you make yourself appear skinnier by comaprison" philosophy of social interaction. In fact, I think I'm usually the fat one.

I should go back to the bookstore and buy the copy of Alice in Wonderland translated into Russian by Vladimir Nabokov, shouldn't I?

The great thing about Nabokov is that he writes (beautifully) in his second language, and then translates back into his first... There is worth in reading his work in both languages.

There ought to be more good biographies in the world.