Actually, it's more like trying to catch something out of the corner of your eye that you can't see if you look directly at it, but you know it's there.

Whatever you do, just don't think of the white elephant.

So I haven't lost actually. It's just hiding from me. Maybe. Or it's weakened and can't rise to the occasion. Must stay in on bright days, curtains pulled tight to the windows, hiding behind musty bedding. Slowing leeching all color from your thoughts.

Maybe I never really could organize my thoughts and neatly arrange them on the page. Maybe it never was effortless, I was just in such good shape. Or I didn't realize at the time what crap was going down. The fan was facing away from me, I was standing behind it, screaming at the top of my lungs, and wondering why my voice wasn't distorting.

What bright sunny days.