it really kills me to see him courting her. and to realize that this is what he's been doing for months. or to confirm that i suppose. and to see him do the things with her that he's done with me. and it seems like he treats her much better than he ever did me. he does all the things for her that i'd been trying desperately to get him to do for me for at least a year now. he seeks her out when he thinks she might me upset. its like he wants just to be around her. he spends time with her. he goes to just sit and be in the same place she is. and sits while she does things. he does with her what i used to do with him while he was playing video games. it made me happy just be in the same room as him. he doesn't play video games hardly at all anymore. he set his pillows up the way she has hers (does this mean he's been in her bed, or she in his?).

and it just seems like i've been chasing myself in circles. running after people who have no interest in me. this is how it seems. it seems like our relationship started out with me chasing after him, and it certainly seems like i've spent the last 6 months chasing after him. having to ask him to spend time with me, having to bring it up repeatedly. every couple of weeks. and especially the last couple weeks of things, having to ask every single time i wanted him to notice me. and then half of those times got shoved to the side for other things. and i've been chasing after eileen, trying to be her friend. wanting her to like me, to spend time around me. to seek me out. what the fuck is wrong with me that no one seeks me out. i have to initiate contact with john, eileen, joe, sara, jake. and there isn't anyone else.

and in the end, i can say that this is a good thing for me. that it was coming. but it doesn't help much. and i can think of things, like the sex was getting really bad. and i was starting to really resent him for it. so this is good. and if it had ended up drawing out until i broke up with him because the resentment was too much, it would have been a nasty breakup. and i don't want that. but this is a mature breakup and i still feel shitty and nasty and mean and alone most of the time. and i don't think he feels any of that. it certainly doesn't seem like it. because he "didn't break up with me for her" but he has her, whether they are sleeping together or not. and when he feels shitty about me, he can go talk to her. and he can feel warm and fuzzy and close to her. and if i'm feeling shitty i can talk to people. my mom, jake, joe, jesse. but this is not the same. at fucking all.

and she says "if you need anything.." but this is mostly to assuage her guilt. because I _clearly_ can't go to her. its an awkward and difficult situation to be the friend of two people in a breakup. but then in this specific situation, where she is the Cause, and the Problem, and he's in Fucking Love with her. yeah, so what am i supposed to do, go to her and say, "well, i'm really upset because he fell in love with you.", or "It really fucking pisses me off that he spends all his time with you. all of it." etc. i don't know. i don't know who she thinks she's kidding. because its one thing to say something, but her actions don't reflect that at all. because if she sought me out, if she made an active effort at me, i'd at least be able to believe the motivation behind her actions. And maybe it would help. and maybe i could talk to her a little. now i mostly want to put wet squishy things in her shoes. and bite her and pour water into the ducts over her room and just fucking sock her. break her goddamned nose or something. or ruin something important to her.

god. i'm all angry and bitter. i don't like me very much right now. I'm not a very pleasant person.

everything's fuck-of confusing. but i figured this. I shouldn't be different around him than what i'm comfortable with between him and her. so this applies touching wise. it should probably also apply confidant/talking spending time wise etc. and right now i'm fucking not comfortable with him even looking at her. I don't even particularly like that he spends time thinking about her. so i'll model my actions by what i'm okay with between them. and then as i let it go, and get more comfortable with this whole Not being with him thing, it'll get better and well. it just seems like a good measure of what is reasonable behaviour for myself. because i don't really trust my emotions or desires right now. which doesn't mean i'm going to ignore them, but i'm not necessarily going to indulge them.