i've spent a couple of late nights up hanging out with people, and this is good. this has been a good break. i'm really glad i stayed here. and the others that stayed were a good selection. people i wanted to find out more about. i'm looking forward to being here in the summer.

i feel good.

i'm listening to belle & sebastian's "fold your hands child, you walk like a peasant" which jacob got for me for christmas last year, when i asked him to find me music that i hadn't heard before. its so mellow. i have mixed feelings about this album now. it makes me think of world war ii, for some reason. 'i fought in a war' of course, and 'chalet lines' as well for some reason. which just has major emotional baggage. i feel like a drama queen talking about it. it doesn't seem important. it feels like i'm blowing things out of proportion or i'm digging for attention and sympathy. this is the iron control that always keeps me getting out of bed and going to class. it keeps me standing in the streets and straightfaced in public. it keeps my sobs silent.

but i still want to talk about it. i need to disclose. because despite all my rationalization it is important. it is true.

i wasn't able to tell john about it until after we broke up. this is obviously a bad sign.

okay. well then. i guess this wasn't the best of ideas. its been a good week. in a very laid back way.

now i'm sitting here, being sentimental about depression.

i should go to sleep.