I fucking hate money.

damnit. I haven't found another job. I'm not making very good headway. I have no money right now, which is ridiculous, because I made $10,000 last year. And yet I have none now. And I honestly cannot account for what I did with all that fucking money. And that's a lot of money. And I need it. Now.

I didn't get any scholarship money for Russia. I'm not going to get any OIP scholarship money. I'm sure. I don't know how to sell myself. I'm not getting any grants or etc from the government, or the school. I will have to get a loan, and they aren't even offering these and I need one and I don't even have the slightest clue how to get one. Gah.

I hate money. Or I hate not having it.

and my parents have no more money to contribute, and they are still expected to and i'm gonna need to take another year at least to actually finish anything. And I don't know what to do. I will take out my life and I will take out loans and I will work a lot and I will go through school slowly. Maybe I just won't come back from Russia.

I need a rich annonymous patron.

Okay. that rant over with. I'm going to go start making a list of all the things I've bought in the last year.

At some point I became a consumer, and it frightens me.