I got a second job. I'm (going to be) waiting tables at a relatively swank restaurant downtown in the Adult District. (I refer to the part of town around main street at the Adult District, not because its a red light district or something, but because only Adults (pronounced A-dult) can afford to go there).

So I'm bizy. Even more so.

I'm being a horrid tech chair and I don't want to deal with it at all right now. I like sitting on coco and the board, I can handle that. But I don't like this running my own committee thing. I don't feel like I know what's going on. I want to be able to ignore it.

Shana and Alexis and Cyrus are planning to go to Pittsburgh for 4th of July and see a baseball game and the fireworks and come back, all on the 4th, and they invited me and I really want to go. That's the epitome of how I want to spend 4th of July, a perfect little mini-roadtrip that I can actually afford etc. But I don't know if I'm working or not. I'll find out tonight, and I'm vaguely nervous about it. Because I'm silly and I do that sort of thing.

I read an entire big fat book yesterday (Lirael, Garth Nix), finishing this morning (and consequently a half hour late to work..) but its not all that impressive, because its a young adult book. But it was delicious and good and now I have to wait for the next one (Abhorsen) to come out. One of the best things was that the library is a very dangerous place. I like that. And many other things as well.

I've become such a wonderfully awful journal updater. There are so many things going on. Things. And I'm busy doing them, which leaves me little time to write about them.

I played house soccer on Wednesday and it was good. And my quads are still sore (I'm not a sprinter). And I played yesterday too, which was less fun. The caliber was too high for me, and I was still sore and there were a _lot_ of people (maybe 30 total, if not more).

And I haven't painted again and I really want to, but all my time keeps just slipping away and I'm exhausted and sleeping too much.

And I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm leaving soon, and some people may be leaving even sooner and its hard just keeping things under control.

And I really want to take a big load of my stuff back to my parent's house, but I can't find the time.

And I'm worried about losing the people who are here right now. I want to forge deeper connections. I want to feel attatched and safe. I'm worried that I'm heading back to this crippling shyness of touch and speech. I hit a certain comfort level and I don't know how to extend it further, and I slip away and I can't hold on and I don't know how to step it up and somehow its even worse having people who's company you really enjoy and who make you laugh and to not be able to move that step further. Its somehow worse than being entirely alone. And I see people around me who open that door too easily and assume that people are receptive - are too dull to notice that people aren't - and people can't stand to be around them. They become even more irritating to those around them; people draw even further away.

Insecurity.

I apologize. This was rambling and weird. I don't know where it came from. I feel a little like I was just sitting in a room full of people and suddenly I threw up.

basically my time is running out.

I've got things to do.